she has clung to me, has her hand closed firmly around my thoughts and not let go.
I know is it nice and slow moderately this topic. But who has not, can not understand it.
The fear controls me, it makes my legs are heavy can, together, and clench my stomach is in my thoughts. The slightest uncertainty can think me and despair, I want to cry, but there are no tears. My hands are shaking.
desperately trying to distract me. Play with my children devote myself to my garden, but they do not give up. It is deep, pulls out my guilty conscience leads me remember what I did and thought, now, before - whenever .. She says to me, it's not possible that you live a happy, carefree life. It can not be that your children are healthy easy.
I thought it will be better when spring comes. But no - my Paulie is sick, he has tonsillitis and a rash - not a definable Rash. Whatever it is, it scares me. It scares me when he was in the afternoon just lays in his bed and sleeps, because he is sick. My fear now brings the worst scenarios in my head. He could be seriously ill. What is this rash? Cancer? Leukemia?
think Why so? I'm afraid of fear, always afraid that she'll be back and paralyzes my thoughts.
I want so do not think. I try to lead me to remember that many children are sick every now and then, and "nothing" have.
Why can not I just accept? It's like a cycle, I think I can think of anything bad that you think will happen at some point .. but how can I stop thinking? How can I calm down ..
I know when it will be better. It is better if Paul is healthy, if his rash is gone and I know it's been nothing wrong. But until then? I think if I should go to a dermatologist, if I should let him off the blood. But I can not do it that. As long as no doctor says it needs to be investigated, I can not even think about it.
I would my children and my family can not be drawn into this world.
It is enough if I am. I need not worry for their lives.
I know after a few treatments, where it comes from. She is buried deep in me, in my Past. Previously it has only affected me. Sarah since it also affects my children, my husband, my sisters. I can read anything about death, sickness, soon as someone says he - they - you - do not look well - my mind racing .. Why is that? What's up? When Sarah
me I did not think - at the beginning, "said Grandma as she lifts her head no, it's not something .. Grandma, it is not yet a month old, it's all right. Then came to me in doubt, I have seen other children and was afraid. I went to the doctor - Andrea, it's all right, it's just simply quiet. I was with Michael's family doctor - they wait another week, maybe she has some infection and is only weakened. Then in the hospital - a view of the doctor and I knew it - it really is something wrong ...
Since then she has returned. Sometimes more and sometimes less .. since fall back more and I want to finally be rid of.
I want them to disappear, taking their belongings and moves out of my body from my mind, from my thoughts. I want her to go and pick up lots, I want them to never come back.
And I know until I reached is still a long hard road ahead of me. I know she can walk - it was not for a whole year there! I know how it is when she is not there. But for me I have to work on my Past, on my conscience. I must roll up everything into a deep insight into me, I drop it and allow anyone to explore the darkness in me, someone I will find out what happened. And then, then they let me go again, and disappears - and hopefully forever!
Thanks for zulesen, and for your thoughts, I know how many here think of me and help me do - but I can help me alone!
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