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blue flowers and Brimstone

I discovered today ..
grow in my garden already started to flower through the damp earth. Little blue star flowers are there and they enjoy my heart. And as I discovered two Brimstone playing and teasing in the air, you could see a smile on my lips.
I love this time. It opens my heart, it clears my mind, makes me calmer and more balanced.
I am active, think about it to see how I can beautify my garden, so that I can in the summer in the sun and enjoy the sight of a beautiful garden.


This year I've also made a big project. I would like to expand my vegetable garden and good use. Through the blog of my very dear cousin, I started thinking .. consider how we can preserve our environment, our bodies can do good, we can also find more time ..
and I've decided to take the first step in the right direction hopefully. I have a whole bed grown lettuce and kohlrabi. The potatoes have to wait in the ground to sink, and even garlic and onions are ready.
So I dare to go this year in this project and then do not buy cucumbers from Spain and no garlic from China ...

I hope we can grill in the summer, zucchini, eat salad, tzatziki, make insert garlic - all from the garden!

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fear

she has clung to me, has her hand closed firmly around my thoughts and not let go.
I know is it nice and slow moderately this topic. But who has not, can not understand it.

The fear controls me, it makes my legs are heavy can, together, and clench my stomach is in my thoughts. The slightest uncertainty can think me and despair, I want to cry, but there are no tears. My hands are shaking.
desperately trying to distract me. Play with my children devote myself to my garden, but they do not give up. It is deep, pulls out my guilty conscience leads me remember what I did and thought, now, before - whenever .. She says to me, it's not possible that you live a happy, carefree life. It can not be that your children are healthy easy.
I thought it will be better when spring comes. But no - my Paulie is sick, he has tonsillitis and a rash - not a definable Rash. Whatever it is, it scares me. It scares me when he was in the afternoon just lays in his bed and sleeps, because he is sick. My fear now brings the worst scenarios in my head. He could be seriously ill. What is this rash? Cancer? Leukemia?
think Why so? I'm afraid of fear, always afraid that she'll be back and paralyzes my thoughts.
I want so do not think. I try to lead me to remember that many children are sick every now and then, and "nothing" have.
Why can not I just accept? It's like a cycle, I think I can think of anything bad that you think will happen at some point .. but how can I stop thinking? How can I calm down ..
I know when it will be better. It is better if Paul is healthy, if his rash is gone and I know it's been nothing wrong. But until then? I think if I should go to a dermatologist, if I should let him off the blood. But I can not do it that. As long as no doctor says it needs to be investigated, I can not even think about it.
I would my children and my family can not be drawn into this world.

It is enough if I am. I need not worry for their lives.

I know after a few treatments, where it comes from. She is buried deep in me, in my Past. Previously it has only affected me. Sarah since it also affects my children, my husband, my sisters. I can read anything about death, sickness, soon as someone says he - they - you - do not look well - my mind racing .. Why is that? What's up? When Sarah
me I did not think - at the beginning, "said Grandma as she lifts her head no, it's not something .. Grandma, it is not yet a month old, it's all right. Then came to me in doubt, I have seen other children and was afraid. I went to the doctor - Andrea, it's all right, it's just simply quiet. I was with Michael's family doctor - they wait another week, maybe she has some infection and is only weakened. Then in the hospital - a view of the doctor and I knew it - it really is something wrong ...

Since then she has returned. Sometimes more and sometimes less .. since fall back more and I want to finally be rid of.
I want them to disappear, taking their belongings and moves out of my body from my mind, from my thoughts. I want her to go and pick up lots, I want them to never come back.
And I know until I reached is still a long hard road ahead of me. I know she can walk - it was not for a whole year there! I know how it is when she is not there. But for me I have to work on my Past, on my conscience. I must roll up everything into a deep insight into me, I drop it and allow anyone to explore the darkness in me, someone I will find out what happened. And then, then they let me go again, and disappears - and hopefully forever!

Thanks for zulesen, and for your thoughts, I know how many here think of me and help me do - but I can help me alone!

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A book ...

life is like a book. Individual stories fit together into chapters, and if one occurs sometime before the good Lord's life is described in a book.
This book consists of many elements. Some are good, some are bad. Each person has a book and through discussions, events will be repeatedly reminded.
The good points in the book one keeps in mind and not forget it really. The bad in his own book one often has really forgotten. But sometimes, sometimes it can happen, or perhaps also happen that one is reminded of it. Then we propose this page again, and after reading. Here and there you have to read more to understand what happened in what is written here.

I just read again in my book. In me brings back memories that have been asleep. I have already read these pages often, but now I'm reading right now is intense. Many events and meetings, I have made up my book again.
And now I know it's time to read it well. The evidence is like a blow on the head! Andrea read in your book and processing, think, speak, cry, forgive ...

be Curiously, opened just two chapters in my book. One concerns Sarah and my many unshed tears, who are still in me, waiting to be allowed to run from me.
A film on Sunday night has brought me to tears to shed for an hour about it, think about how it was for me .. And I know these tears are now back tiles often. But it's good. So be it, Tears for free too.

My second chapter that has arisen over the past few days, my childhood and youth. I do not always had such a wonderful life as I have now. Of course, my childhood and youth was not all bad - I would like to convey a false impression. But all was not always pretty.
long I was thinking of writing about it here because I know who all reads this and I want to do so no one hurt. But it is nunmal my book and it belongs to me. Some

know that my childhood and youth was always perfect. A "something" choleric "Papa" was I who I often feel his "power" lies, too There was alcoholism in my family - well, thank God, no more. And for this I am eternally grateful. But, unfortunately, remain this terrible time in the book.
And then there was life before Furth - in front of my grandparents - and in this chapter, I've read - good and bad ...

And now I'm staying at the good, I get to know some of this family, the part that I'd like to meet you. In the other part I only read it once, then again ...

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anticipation ...

upsets our holidays are pretty slow in me! Actually, yes I leave my home here are very reluctant because I am here simply feel so good ..
be here and there but it must know that I'm into, events in which the percentage of sunshine is slightly higher than in this lovely place.
The last two years we have avoided thanks to our house extension, on those days on the south.
But this year it will be back that far.
Michael received an invitation to a 10-year celebration in Venice. In the year when we got married he was allowed to visit a blacksmith course, which lasted for three months. This year is the ten years ago and a nice fellow and has made efforts to arrange a meeting.
was thus clear for us: We go there and hang like a week at sea. Unfortunately
us because someone has a Thwarted by the bill. Michael would like under this "oil incident" but would rather not go into these areas and so we have our holidays in Carinthia decided to book.
Our dear neighbors want to accompany us and so I sat at the computer and searched a neighborhood. As soon as I got the answer from this one, I knew for me it has been decided. I want to and nowhere else.

goes on a farm this time. Rather secluded but yet close to the words lake. A small lake is just next door and the home page promises either passing days in Carinthia.
There are chickens, rabbits, cats and a dog, and various Reading corners in the house and also in the surrounding garden and forest, a separate source with waterfall, herb walks, baking bread and what else your heart desires.
And I'm looking forward! I will lie in the grass, breathing in the scent of summer flowers and mown grass, feel the sun on my skin, hear the children playing in the water, I will hear rustling of the wind through the leaves, I will go for walks, and perhaps even briefly the city to go shopping to breathe a little, spend balmy evenings with a glass of wine and good company, and I'm going to spend quiet time reading and I'll hopefully find a piece of myself, again a small Part (or maybe even a large) of my fears behind me. I
every scent, every sound, every ray of sunshine in me will absorb and take!
And then ... I am safely back at home .. on this nice little place here with these wonderful people!

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a man Mecht bleibn i ...

Last year I had to learn that some people judge me in my environment, often to my friends. This I think
but at times a bit tedious. Especially since it is so for me that I choose my friends never to their beliefs, their political ambitions, their origin or other facial Punks.
I choose my friends and the people around me in after my own heart. I like it!

"I as a (future) - current business woman ..."
I'm not primarily a business woman. It has been holding so happened that I married a man who takes over the operation. But I am so what else?
Why should not I just be human. Do I think because of who I spend my time just because it could throw a bad light on me.
No! I have certainly not and I do not want to.

Even in my youth my friends were judged not always by what they were for me, but according to where they came from. Often I have heard: "This is a redneck!"
How I hated those statements. For me, exactly were those who were not right someone, the most important. And it turned out that they are still that they still guide my life and for me are that I have betrayed my heart at that time. And also those to which I have only little contact or no more, still somewhere in my heart a place. Simply because they have the time then fitted to me.

I think you only have this one life here on this world. And that life should be to make it as enjoyable as possible. It should be surrounded with people whom one likes, which are there for you: some build, if you are unhappy, bring to a happy hour;
I always try to see the best in people. I do not condemn them because they do something different from what I would do it. But they have but most sites I admire, I like that please my heart.

Why does the human race often so difficult? Why are there people who can not live simply, but always think about what they or others make "wrong".
We are all people who are lucky enough to live on this beautiful planet may be. We should never work against each other, but for each other to be there.
Why is some People so deeply? Are they so unhappy with themselves? How easy it would be sometimes, we would make our comparison as simple as it is, consider the positives and ignore the "negative" (which may be negative only for us).

I will not give up my environment, just because it might interfere with someone - I've never done that before and I will not! Given me these people are far too important!

Thanks to all who enjoy my life again and again!